Sitting in the Tension

It was the first time I’d been alone all day. We’d come home from the hospital that afternoon to a house full of friends and family, all joining the kids and me in our grief and trying to show us how much they loved and would be here for us. I had been strong- somehow managing to hold it mostly together for my kids and in front of others- but now I was alone at the end of this excruciating day and I couldn’t do it any longer. I climbed in the shower and I broke. I can remember this moment like it was yesterday. So many thoughts were going through my mind and just about every emotion possible, but two thoughts were very loud: “I have no idea how to do this on my own” and “I’m scared about how we’ll make it financially.” I remember thinking the second one seemed like a thought I shouldn’t be having in that moment, but Justin had just lost his job and we were already in a hard place financially. I felt guilty even thinking about money at that time, but it didn’t change the fact that I was thinking about it and I was terrified. It was then, in that very vulnerable and scared moment, that I heard the Lord speak to me. It wasn’t an audible voice, but it was His voice all the same. I heard him so very clearly whisper to me, “I’m going to provide everything you need. There is no reason to fear.” An immediate calm came over me. I got dressed and sat down on the floor. I don’t know how long I sat there, but I sat there until I knew I was going to be ok, that the kids were going to be ok, and that I didn’t need to fear. That night, God gave me a precious gift- a deeper knowledge than I ever had before that He was with me, that He would never leave me and that He would always provide for me.

As I type this, it has been close to 3 years since Justin’s death and I can say that God has more than lived up to the promise He made me that night. He has been with me every single day, even on the days I may not have felt Him. He has provided over and over and over again in ways too numerous to even begin to count. When God told me that night that He would provide, He meant it. And I continue to see the evidence all around me.

Sometimes during seasons of grief and pain it’s hard to believe that God will never leave or abandon you. Sometimes it’s in those very moments where it feels like that’s exactly what He’s done. You feel a million miles away from Him and while you may know intellectually that He is at least aware of what’s happening, you certainly don’t feel like He’s near. You might even feel like He doesn’t care. Yet it’s in those specific moments that it’s crucial to cry out to Him. Satan is usually right there whispering doubt in your ear and it’s so easy to believe those lies when you’re in a place of such vulnerability, but when we cry out to God, when we tell Him our fears and heartache, He is faithful to remind us of all His promises and He gives us the grace to truly believe that He will never, ever leave or forsake us. I know that now in a way that is deeper than I ever would have wanted to know, in a way only gained through the hard and the struggle, but I’m so, so thankful I do. 

Sitting in the tension of trusting His provision while not fully seeing how He’ll provide.