Sitting in the Tension

“Everything’s falling apart on me, God; put me together again with your Word.” Psalm 119:107

Last night we returned home from a wonderful almost 2 week vacation with my extended family to a place we all love so much and have spent many, many years going. I’m going to be honest here- coming home was hard. I’m normally glad to come home after a trip and feel a sense of security and rest but this time was different. When we drove up the driveway and walked in the door it was as if a blanket of overwhelming sadness was laid on me. Realizing we’re back to “real life” and that life isn’t what I’m wanting right now because it is void of the main one I shared it all with. I went to bed sad and got up sad and truthfully, I’m still sad. But every time I’m sad and feel the huge weight of grief on me the Lord reminds me He is here. Last night it was in the form of a sweet gift someone lovingly sent me. This morning it was through the timeless truths of His word. He does it for me every. single. time. He takes my hurt and sorrow and feelings of being overwhelmed and gently gives me comfort and peace and hope for the future. Several have told me that I have been “amazing” through this time. But let me assure you that what you see is the AFTER. After the sobs, after the questions, after the anger, after the screams, after the feelings of hopelessness. After the time spent in His presence, after He has held me and allowed me all of it, after He has spoken truth to my soul and “put me together again.” Those, for the most part, are times spent in private. Those are the times that bring me to the “after” that others see. So really it isn’t me that is amazing at all but instead a God who loves me more than I will ever be able to fathom. A God who keeps putting me back together, over and over again, and who will continue to do so as long as I need Him to.