Sitting in the Tension

I love podcasts. I love that it feels like you’re sitting in someone’s living room having a conversation. I love listening to different perspectives, hearing the different ways others have grown and found their purpose. Recently I was listening to one of my favorites and the guest speaker, Anna Golden, who’s an amazing worship leader, was talking about her journey and said, “I don’t think the Lord’s ever going to take you anywhere you don’t need to rely on Him anymore.” That hit me. Hard. Mostly because, if I’m honest, I think one of my main goals is to get to a place where I can say, “Phew! I think I’ve got this now.” It seems like a lofty goal, right?  But when I play that line of thinking out all the way to the end, doesn’t it lead to a place where I would no longer need the Lord? Is this His goal for me? I know He wants me to learn and grow, to become stronger in my areas of weakness, but should I ever be at a place where I am not wholly and completely reliant on Him? 

In those first months after losing Justin I knew what utter reliance on the Lord looked like. I knew what it looked like to rely on him for the strength to get up each morning and face the day ahead. What it looked like to rely on Him to help me be the mom I needed to be in the midst of my children’s grief. To rely on Him to provide financially for me. To need His guidance to make wise decisions. I was at the end of myself and I had no choice but to rely on Him. I look back on those days as days of much growth. Hard days, excruciatingly hard, but days where I got to know the heart of God like I’d never known before. Where I felt His love like I never had before.

 As time has gone on and I’ve gotten more stable in my footing, sometimes, even if I don’t consciously acknowledge it, I find myself thinking maybe I don’t need Him as much. That, “I’ve got this.” That I’m strong enough to handle things on my own. This kind of thinking tends to cause me to stop spending as much time with Him, to stop seeking His face as desperately. Yet His beautiful grace won’t allow me to stay there. He knows I need Him, how clinging to Him is where I’m safest and most fulfilled, so He takes me to places where I realize I really don’t “have this.” Places where I see how badly I need Him by my side, helping me on all the twists and turns. Yes He has shown me how to navigate a ton of life and given me the tools I need to be better equipped on my journey, but I can’t do it all on my own. I need Him. I need His hand guiding me. I need Him walking beside me. I need Him because He’s the only one who knows the way~ He’s already gone before me and laid out the path. And isn’t next to Him a much better place to be than on my own?

Sitting in the tension between personal strength and utter reliance.