Still Finding Him

I’ve been thinking a lot about Justin these last few days. This weekend will be 3 years that the kids and I have been on this journey of life without him, so he’s been on my mind even more than usual.

This sign pictured hangs above my bed. I commissioned a dear friend to make it for Justin’s and my 25th anniversary. I always loved it because it spoke to how I felt- that no matter what circumstance I found myself in, I would choose to be with him. It said that had our paths not crossed the way they did, we would have found each other on another path. I always thought it beautiful. After he died, though, I found myself not wanting to look at it because the reality was that I was now in a circumstance and on a path where no matter how hard I searched, I would never be able to find him. And that, to me, was heartbreaking.

As time has gone on it’s become easier to read, but sometimes it still stings. I still wish if I searched hard enough I could find him. But the other day I started thinking and you know what? When I look for him, I still “find” him everywhere. I find him in my daughter’s smile that turns up on the corners just like his did. I find him in my son’s deepset eyes. I find him in all of my children’s quick-witted senses of humor. I find him when I watch how my kids love and accept others. I find him when I give giant belly laughs. I find him when I meet someone who knew him and they tell me how much he meant to them. I find him when one of our many songs comes on the radio. When I look, its actually not too difficult to find him. The truth is, while he is no longer physically here with me he is still very much a part of my world. My world that is still quite beautiful. My world that continues be filled with adventures. So while this sign still sometimes makes me teary when I read it (and honestly if not for the giant holes that would be left in the wall I probably would have taken it down by now) I’ve decided to choose to think about all the ways I can still find him in my everyday life until a future day when I will walk into heaven and find him there.

Sitting in the tension of looking for what I can’t find yet discovering remnants in unexpected places.