Sitting in the Tension

I love looking back at words God gave me in the past and seeing how He used them to prepare me for things to come. This first “flashback” was written in 2010, eleven years before losing Justin, and the second, ten months after his death. All those years before, God used that verse to give me eyes to see that even in the darkest of nights, He is worthy. He began to bury it in my heart, knowing I would need it so deeply ingrained that when everything fell apart, it would help hold me together. I don’t think I’ll ever fully comprehend the utter faithfulness and love of God. ❤️

6/19/2010– “Tonight as I go to bed, I’m glad I can go to sleep knowing this: God is worthy of praise in both good times and in bad. He is good in the thrilling and in the devastating. A verse I hope I will always be able to cling to, no matter what comes my way, is Job 13:15 ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ We serve a mighty and awesome God!”

3/3/2022- “I used to have an index card notebook where I would write my favorite scripture verses. Whether they were encouraging or challenging, they were verses I wanted to be reminded of and this was a pre-smartphone way to keep them at my fingertips. One of the verses was Job 13:15, ‘Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.’ A strange verse to love, but it has always been one of my favorites. It’s the faith of it- that no matter what happens in life, God is trustworthy.

I heard a song today by Shane and Shane called ‘Though You Slay Me’ that made me think of that old notebook and that verse. Back then I wasn’t a stranger to hard times, Justin and I had our fair share of heartache, but it wasn’t until this past year that I have ever truly felt “slayed.” 10 months ago today I felt like I had been slayed. All the plans and dreams I had for us and for our family came crashing down around me when Justin left this earth unexpectedly. Half of me was taken away. I felt as if I had been gutted. My faith was tested like it had never been tested before. And yet God met me in that place of questioning and searching for answers and began to show me that while, yes, I had been slayed, He was still very near and still very trustworthy.

I know God uses pain to grow us and make us stronger. Truthfully, I don’t like that very much. I would so much rather He grow and strengthen us by other means. I would so much rather He teach me the lessons I am learning through Justin’s death in another way entirely. But we don’t get to choose everything we experience in life and while I may never fully understand all the “why’s” behind it, I do trust Him. I trust Him not with a blind trust but with eyes fully open to both the hard and the beautiful. I trust Him because He has proven Himself to me over and over again. I trust Him because, despite me, He has remained faithful and true.

I have had a lifetime of watching Him work in and through situations where I saw no hope and these past months have been no exception. I can still trust Him. So now when I read the words, “Though he slay me, yet I will trust in Him,” I know even more fully the truth of that. It isn’t easy. It isn’t fun. It isn’t something I wanted to know. But I am grateful that I can understand those words with a new confidence because of the good God He has proven Himself to be.”

Sitting in the tension of feeling slayed in the presence of a good, faithful God