Sitting in the Tension

Tonight I was thinking back on that first Christmas without Justin. I remember writing the post below and the pain my heart was feeling~ it was all still so raw. I also remember feeling the presence of God so strongly that season, as if He were literally holding me. He still does that for me. While the sting of loss has lessened, and life has moved forward with fresh beauty and new chapters, I still have moments when I need to be held. That’s part of what makes Christmas so beautiful to me- Jesus came down and walked among us so that we can have a relationship with a God who loves us enough to hold us.

Flashback to 12 /17/2021- Like so many of you, I’ve always loved all things Christmas. As a child, my parents went out of their way to make the season a very special, Christ centered time for my siblings and me. Like so much of my childhood, Christmas in the Haigh household was picturesque. Oh I’m sure there were hard times during Christmas, no family is without them, but some of my fondest memories of growing up are from this special time of year. Christmases in the Hurley house have always been very similar. We have carried on many of both our childhood traditions and sprinkled in some of our own. Sure, there have been hard times during Christmas, but I feel a lot of my kid’s fondest memories are from this special time of year. This season, however, if I’m honest, I find myself just wanting to skip over it. Wanting to just make it through and get past it. Not wanting to experience it without Justin. The kids and I are doing our best to carry on our traditions. We’ve decorated trees, listened to music and watched movies. We will look at lights, bake cookies and open presents soon. And truthfully, we have enjoyed these times. One of the things Justin taught us all so well was how to have a good time and enjoy the moments, and I know he would be pleased with the family times we are still enjoying. But right there in the midst of all these times is an undeniable sadness. Sometimes it sits quietly in the corner and other times it comes center stage, but it’s ever present.

I came across a song several weeks ago and it’s been on repeat on my Spotify ever since. Part of the first verse says, “But through the joy and laughter you can feel the sadness ’cause this Christmas, everyones not with us. It’s the time of year when happiness and cheer won’t be enough to get me through the night.” I can so relate. But then it goes on to speak of what IS enough to get us through. “A Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Prince of Peace who’s strong enough to carry me. Emanuel, God with us, the One who’s love will never end.” Yes, this season is hard. And this hardness will be here for a long while. But it is because of what we celebrate at this time that I can have hope and joy and love and laughter. And that’s where I will try to keep my focus during this Christmas season. I hope you’ll do the same.

Sitting in the tension of moments that still undo me and a God who faithfully holds me together.