Sitting in the Tension

Old doors have always held a fascination for me. Their weathered and worn looks give off a bit of a mysterious vibe and I’m curious as to what lies beyond them. I remember touring parts of Europe with some dear friends and coming back with pictures of many doors, some walked through and others left unexplored. My favorite doors were the doors to the castles- just think the history that fills the space behind them! Part of the fun of an unfamiliar door is waiting to see what you’ll discover after walking through.

A week or so ago I shared that I’m in the process of rediscovering who I am. It’s sort of a strange balance I’m trying to achieve, both wanting to keep the past alive but moving forward into the future at the same time. I was listening to Danny Gokey’s song “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again” and the lyrics deeply resonated with me. Part of the chorus says, “Yesterday’s a closing door, you don’t live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again.” At first those two lines seemed a little harsh to me. A little too final. But the more I thought about it the more I realized those words are exactly what my soul has been whispering to me over these last several months.

When Justin died a huge part of me died with him. For so long I sat in the remains of that life, sat in the middle of all I’d lost, and I tried to scoop it back up and make it a living part of me again. I so desperately wanted to keep things as much the same as I possibly could. But over time I began to realize that while there are portions of both the old me and of Justin that will always be a part of my life, I cannot take the whole of who we were into the next chapter. That’s simply impossible with him no longer here.

It’s time for the closing of one door and the opening of another. That is a hard reality. I don’t want that door to fully close; I want to prop it open so I can run back inside every now and then. I want to be able to hop back and forth between the two. But I know if I’m to fully walk through this new door, the one into which I’ve already started to venture, my steps are going to take me further and further away from the old one. There’s just no way around that.

Keeping Justin’s memory alive is extremely important to me. For both my sake and my children’s, I am determined that we will always speak of him. We’ll always tell stories about him. He flows in and out of our conversations and I don’t ever want that to change. So I’m faced with this question: How do I allow the door to close on the life I had, yet continue to keep all these things that are so important to me as I walk through the new one? How do I find the balance in that? Maybe the key is in keeping my eyes focused on what’s ahead, not on what’s behind. What’s behind was beautiful and I want to remember and cherish it, but I don’t need to live there. I don’t need to hold so tightly to what’s behind me that I can’t reach out and grab what’s ahead of me. Because what’s ahead of me is worth taking hold of.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” God has some big plans for me. He is faithful and He is trustworthy and He is doing new things. I’m so very thankful for the past yet at the same time I’m excitedly pressing on towards the future. Who knows what all awaits me just beyond this door. ❤️

Sitting in the tension of wanting to cling to the past but knowing I need to press on to the future.