Sitting in the Tension

Today marks five years since I last saw this face. Five years since I stood with the kids in that room, trying to grasp the fact that he was gone. Five years since I sat down in my shower, tears streaming down my face, asking God how on earth I could possibly walk the path that lay before me. Five years since I felt His presence stronger than ever before, telling me that I was going to make it. That He would provide for me and care for me. That He would be with me every step of the way.

And here I am, 5 years later, still standing. Still living a beautiful life. Still feeling God’s presence as He provides for me and cares for me. As He walks beside me each and every day, guiding me and protecting me. All because of His goodness. All because of His faithfulness. All because He’s a God who loves me more than I can comprehend. One who holds me tight when I feel I can’t go on. Who allows me to question everything I believe and then walks me back to a deeper place of knowing. Who helps me figure out who I am and continues to show me the great plans He has for me.

I still miss this face. I miss how he made me laugh. I miss how he looked at me. I miss how he loved the kids and me. That love helped make us who we are today and I’m so incredibly grateful. I’m grateful for the life I had and for the one I’m still living. I’m grateful for the family by my side and the stories still being written. And most of all, I’m grateful for the One who holds it all together. What an amazing God.

Sitting in the tension of missing the life I had and loving the life I’m living.