Have you ever found yourself in a moment where you wanted to both laugh and cry? Where on the one hand you were terribly sad but right next to that sadness sat a joy you couldn’t deny? For a long time I thought these two emotions couldn’t coexist.
The night after Justin died I remember sitting in my living room with my family and laughing at something my brother-in-law said. I also remember feeling terrible that I did. This absolutely devastating thing had just occurred and I had the audacity to experience the joy of laughter. Yet at the same time I felt bad about it, I also knew that I absolutely needed it. That it was somehow crucial to my healing. That to NOT experience it would cause me to fall into a deep, deep hole. So while not yet understanding the depth of why it was so important, I dug my heels in and asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in discovering how to live with joy in the midst of my sorrow.
It’s strange the guilt one feels when they have joy while grieving. You almost feel as if you are betraying your grief with your joy. That you are somehow diminishing the sadness. It took me a long time to come to the realization that one emotion doesn’t cancel out the other. That being thankful and joyful for the beautiful things in my life didn’t at all mean that I wasn’t still desperately sad that Justin was no longer with me. And likewise, the times I was sad and fully allowed myself to experience that sadness didn’t void the joy that was present in my daily life. Learning the truth of this untangled a lot of things for me and gave me a freedom to let myself live wholly in the tension.
Joy isn’t based on circumstances. Joy comes from the knowledge that regardless of what happens God is with us, God is for us, and God is good. God uses the joy that He brings into our lives to remind us that even in the midst of pain we have a God who loves us and we’re allowed to fully live in that knowledge and allow it to make us smile, even when we’re hurting.
Sitting in the tension of opposing yet coexisting emotions.
Sitting in the Tension 
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