Sitting in the Tension

A friend of mine has often said that you will find what you are looking for. That whatever outlook you have on life, whether negative or positive, will cause you to see and find the things you think you will see and find. If you think the world is a cold place and people are selfish and cruel, you will see evidence of cold, selfish, cruel things. If you think the world is full of beauty and light, you will find evidence that supports that as well. Perspective is a powerful thing and it has the ability to shape the world in which we live.

In 2013, my family was going through a particularly hard time and it was during that season that one of my dearest friends came to me with a challenge. We had both recently read Ann Voskamp’s book “One Thousand Gifts” and with that fresh on our minds she encouraged me to spend some time thinking through the blessings I had in my life despite the current heartaches. My days were full of difficulty but there was still so much for which to be grateful and if I sat down and thought about it, I had a ton of beauty in my life.  I began in that season a habit that would prove to be invaluable for me~ each night, right before bed, I would think back over my day and write down at least two things that I considered blessings. Sometimes I would write simple things like “delicious chocolate cake” (which is obviously something for which to be VERY thankful) and other times I would write things of deeper value, but the point was to spend time reflecting on the beauty I had in my life, despite the hard times. This was a game changer for my outlook on life and I have continued this habit ever since. Sure, there are days I’m tired or distracted and have forgotten, or when I’m just too lazy, but for the most part it has been my routine. 

When I look back on that time, I am so very grateful I listened to the Holy Spirit’s prompting through my friend’s challenge. Little did I know then that God was using that difficult time to form a habit in me that would become one of the most useful tools I could have to get me through the incredible challenge of losing my husband. Because God had developed in me this way of seeing the world, this way of looking for the beauty among the pain, I was able to see countless blessings around me even in the midst of terrible grief. Even on the very day Justin died, God allowed me to see amazing ways in which He was caring for me and my children. From a nurse we happened to know who helped in so many ways and wasn’t even supposed to be at the hospital that day, to the prompting he gave my son to go ahead and drive home in spite of my insisting that his dad was going to be fine, to the chaplain who made a way for all my kids to be there despite Covid rules and age restrictions, to the outpouring of love from friends and coworkers who cleaned my house and had food waiting when we got home, God clearly showed us His grace by pouring out blessing after blessing while our world was crumbling around us. 

Taking the time to be grateful, to find the beauty in life, is something that keeps us from falling into complete despair. And when we do feel despair, when we feel as if our whole world is breaking apart, it allows us to recognize that there’s light peaking through the cracks. Our perspective begins to change and we start to see those cracks becoming wider, letting even more light shine through. It won’t take away all the hurt, at least not for a while, but it will give us hope in the midst of it. It will give us strength and courage to keep going, Let’s open our eyes to a new way of seeing the world through a lens of grace and beauty. 

Sitting in the tension of both gratitude and pain.